We were so appalled by an incident that Mr Poe appeared before me in a dream and dictated one of his shortest stories: (edited to fit your intellect)

"Believe revenge is always near at hand, nectar to the senses, sweetness to the lips.... It was a dark and dreary night, the inmates of the local assylum had been drinking heavily at a remote windswept house of ill repute, curiously called The Railway despite its location at least a dozen furlongs from the now noiseless tracks.

The events of the evening were not to be clearly recalled by most of the assemblage, and upon awaking the next morning, the sheer horror of the situation became evident. In the small quiet hours of twilight, while good men were sleeping soundly, someone had cunningly and carefully entered the southerly bathroom to commit the despicable deed.

So violent was the deed that perhaps it took more than one person to effect the damage that was wreaked in that delicate room. The shards of debris, the crushed tissue, still, to this day, lie upon the stained carpet where they fell. The evidence of a struggle, of tissue being repeatedly ripped from that elegant porcelain frame, of tissue spoiled and defamed. The pungent aroma of decay has abated, but the stench of crime has not.

The culprit is in our midst, in this very forum, wrent with guilt and shame for the loss of one who held the very fabric of our gentleness, with the strength to dry our tears and wipe away mistakes. We will find this culprit, we will delve into these alibis of secret assignations, of inadvertent sonambulistic wanderings, of the trail of asymetric footprints leaving the scene. We will find and punish the satanic beast who broke the loo roll holder.

God save two-ply!

My colleague used a phrase the other day that gave cause to a level of pondering - the word that flooded my synaptic clefts with Acetyl-coline was 'overwhelm'. Whelm is to overcome utterly, engulf, submerge, envelope.... overwhelm is therefore completely redundant, - or is it the American need to use the superlative, even more overcome - more pregnant, more unique, more quanta... more French. On that point, perhaps the etymology is French and it is just another verb that supports the desire to surrender.

God whelms in mysterious ways

Although I could relate several amusing stories, I think I'll just sum up some of the more poignant differences I observed in a set of rules I've established as a sort of 'American's guide to the UK'

• Left is Right.
• Up is Down.
• Zero is One.
• Public is Private.

These apply to driving, lightswitches, building floors, and schools respectively. Once one wraps one's head around these paradoxes, one is well on one's way to understanding the wonders of British living. In all seriousness, though, I was most taken with how similar things are in the US and the UK - we share very similar cultures. [and Fermi levels - Ed]

Andrew Landahl - God save Quantum Computing!

I recently mused over some news that "Lazarus" won a product naming contest for a Financial Services product being developed in the UK. Call me old fashioned, but am not sure that a wealth vs virtue story adequately reinforces the goals for Corporate Finance (or was it the poverty and scab ridden existence that is attractive? ["...thou shalt not prosper" (Deut. 28:16)]). Metaphors to parables are dangerous at best - but this is exquisite.

Some scholars view the parable as a direct criticism of Jewish royalty or Judah (the rich man) by Lazarus (Elazar or "Eliezer" - the God helped). Most Christians view Lazarus as a fairly poor role model and not very virtuous even amongst lepers. So the name either epitomizes a poorly whistleblower on one hand (good for FSA* compliance aspects), and on the other, a destitute beggar (good for SFA* compliance).

The only rational explanation is that the product managers must have had poor attendance at School and Church (or Synagogue) and the resulting incorrect understanding of the "Lazarus from the ashes" story (it was actually the phoenix who rose from ashes shouting 'wolf, wolf, my kingdom for a wolf'!).

* God help the Financial Services Act and the Scottish Football Association (but not both).

And so to a final tale of Air France, my last sojourn peut-etre. (..and where are those graves and circumflexes when you need them?). Air France have acquired new 777s and they are very confortible and le video works tres bien if you are happy watching les not-so-jeune fils prancing around. Unfortunately it takes about half an hour to realise the film is absolute trash and really just a kind epitaph to some aged actress (makeup please!).

That is not to say that American movies are that different, although with American movies, at least you know they are crap from the start. ...and why are Irish movies always so crap at the end?

So I am off to fly American Airlines - poor movies, poor food, poor service. But they are so reliable and dependable, reminiscent of British Rail perhaps?

God Rest Air France

So these darn yanks have discovered that we Brits have to pay a license fee of 120 quid to watch TV (Since the BBC are not allowed to advertise, the fee is intended to allow them to recover the costs of their service). Lots of laughter emenated from the (now two) americans - "Y'all you could by a whole TV in a couple of years!" was their retort Ha Ha! Very Funny!


Well, for you parochial English Folk (and the Scottish, who are all parochial), in the land of plenty the average american pays $50 per month to watch TV - you could by three TVs in a couple of years! Ha Ha! Very Funny!


And before we get on to the topic of the number of channels, the UK does only have 4 public channels but the calibre of the progamming is so much higher - they even air shows like 'X-files', '3rd Rock' and 'Buffy' on the BBC, without any adverts (YES - WITHOUT ANY ADVERTISING). And nope - not even any auctions and pledge drives as you have on your National Public Begging channel.


Just to segue (change) to a safer thread, did you know that you can pay a reduced fee to the BBC if you only have a black and white telly, or if you are blind! (but not both) - which, if you are colour blind, is a real insult! To enforce the fee, the BBC has these little vans with 'bedstead antennea' that wander the country, detecting TVs in households that have not paid their fees. Sit down before checking out the TV Detector Vans at Nostalgiacentral.com.


Apparently Air France are also looking into the system to trace lost baggage.


God Save the BBC

Another couple of US phrases that do not translate - 'if I had my druthers' and 'segue'. Any answers?

It seems that the whole of Europe was on vacation from Dec 21st onwards and will not return until Jan 6th. So basically Jo, Philip and myself represent the entire GNP for the period. Did you know that during the second world war on xmas day, the British and German troops downed their arms and played soccer - the only problem was getting the ball out of the mine fields. (Can we have our ball back please? - I do not jest). "So who won the games?" I hear you ask - the Americans of course!

God help Xmas

Being a kind hearted soul David has built an online Captain's log for the intrepid Scotts. So if you would like to offer some advice about how to circumnavigate the globe or have some handy tips on remote schooling and bilge pump repair, click here to help, or to see what the Captain and his rusty crew are upto!