Season's Greetings !

With the separation of church and state (and the separation of common sense and state), we are duty bound to say Happy Holidays and can no longer mention baby cheeses, yamaha or twelfth night. In England, holidays almost always refer to your summer vacation so Happy Holidays does nothing to conjour up the festive spirit. It is so bland... you may as well say "have a nice day".

I wanted to say Happy Christmas or Happy Hanukka but no... not politically correct. Happy New Year then, nope - depends which calendar you are using. I get the picture - this truly is 1984 (Orwell) and all I can say is "double plus good un work" - not very catchy!

It is sad when our governments change our language: We Three Kings of Orient Are has been translated to 'of Persia', the dog from Dambusters has had to change his name to 'Lucky', I shudder to name the small black dolls created by Florence Kate Upton in 1895, Golliwogs - to many of us, the stories represented "chivalry far more persuasive than the unconvincing knights of the Authurian legend" (Sir Kenneth Clarke). The camel that broke the hare's back is the reworded Bing Crosby classic - I'm dreaming of a Holiday.

For those of you lucky enough to not be on our xmas card list... you will have missed our decision to risk it, damn the consequenses and uphold years, nay centuries, of tradition by saying 'Merry Christmas' (inside the card)!

Thank Big Sibling for political incorrectness.
..and a Happy New Year from Ronnie. Amy, DT and David

The English Muffin. Bastion of the confusion of all things anglo-american.

For you Brits and Aussies... what is it? A flat plain bread thingy that is cooked from yeast dough with milk and butter. It is a little like a crumpet in size but is crumbly not stodgey. Usually eaten toasted with butter. Often used to make a sandwich with egg and bacon called McMuffin (or with just a potato filling, an O'Muffin).

But why the name? there seem to be four common explanations:
1. The English adjective adds much needed flavor to the otherwise boring food.
2. Originally a scone* recipe but Americans could neither pronounce nor make correctly.
3. Calling them Autralian Toaster Biscuits gave baked goods a bad name (sorry mate!).

Personally I think it is a little US retaliation to us adding 'American' to their sports where their rules are different to ours. The best examples are 'American Football' and 'American Golf' **.

God help breakfast nomenclature.

* scone (UK) is called biscuit (US), biscuit (UK) is called cookie (US), crumpet (UK) does not translate at all, jam (UK) is called preserve (seeded) or jelly (seedless) in the US. Thankfully butter is spelled, if not pronounced, the same (and there are maked similarities between the UK and US variants). Next month in the breakfast series: bacon, ham, sausage, link, weiner, frank and patty nomenclature.
** among other rules, American golf does not penalise dancing on your opponent's line in high heels shouting "in the hole" and giving everyone high fives.

Here are some of my better one-liners, preserved for future eulogies:

"You don't speak very good england."
"There is only one problem living with Americans."
"Sadly America's command of english is limited to the pool halls."
"Bath, ME - the last remnants of the nation's inclined ways."
"The Heimlich Remover."

God saves quotes

Bad day... My Mr Rearden has just started behaving like Mr Boyle (Holmes and Moriarty respectively for you British out there).

So it falls to me to research the word 'english' (with a small e) : an American noun to describe spin on a ball particularly in pool. In Britain, the noun used is side, top or bottom depending on where the cue strikes the ball. and the verb: to screw (as the ball wriggles and writhes after impact as it starts to get a grip on the felt). I can hear you philistines giggling already - be quiet!

So, why the use of the word? It all dates back to Englishman Jack Carr - of Mr Bartley's Billiard Rooms at Bath. Carr discovered that chalk, added to the leather tips that were used by Frenchman Mingaud, allowed improved control of the ball. He was quite a showman and traveled around Europe during the 1820s, giving demos and selling his "twisting chalk" for half a crown a box (approx 12.5p or 7c). Others who have helped cement the use of the word:
- Phelan in 1850 "we can out english the English".
- Slosson on Schaefer in 1879 - "he has english like the English".
- Twain of Hoppe's win in 1906 "if only his english were spoken".
- Bush on Churchill "he was english".

God save spin.

large flat paddle... leisurely thrown ball... hold on there!

Obviously few Americans have stood in the way of one of those deliveries or perhaps slow-motion action replays are to blame for the misconception. The balls travel at well over100mph and while the total surface area of the 'paddle' must be a couple of times that of baseball, the fact that the ball hits the ground before getting to the player introduces a huge amount of variability. It has been said that the difference is between 'difficult to hit' and 'difficult to hit well'. I am not going to mention that the players do not wear gloves or have to stand on mounds or resort to fighting. Nor remind our readers that the players do not get the opportunity to practice in the bullpen nor are they allowed to miss the ball a couple of times before it counts. And, our women play the same game as our men - no 'soft' ball for them!

Perhaps the concern is that the game is a gentlemanly sport, an olympic event, played by royalty, or that it is popular as an international sport (Not Red Sox Nation vs Yankee Nation). Perhaps the American people to not realise that many Americans travel to watch overseas games and indeed, the US has recently produced (or imported) some very good players.

God Save Tennis

In preparation for the 3rd anniverary of this blog, I am wondering if blogs have actually added value to the way that people communicate? I am sure that more people communicate, but it seems that the quality of the communication is sadly lacking - to quote an old english show - 'Never mind the quality, feel the width' . If you do the math, it seems that the product of volume and quality has actually gone down. Publishing for the people! - shame that they dont speak good England.

But is it just America that is infested with happy enthusiastic folk that don't know any better? The latest spamglish is Podcasting: I know it is is just IRC or audio file downloads but what the heck - people think it is new - God bless' em for they are easily led. The next pointless craze!

This Blog is available as a podcast by sending email to podcast@internetgrammar.com and quoting 'podcast for podcast sake' in the subject line.

God Help Apple - maybe they should have bought skype!

Another year... overpaid and underworked... I have decided that a new job is in order to get this little grey (gray) cell working at capacity again...